presents a


                (which is most interesting)
In the beginning all was darkness. Well, actually, it wasn't the beginning per se- but it was before Part the First. But, although there were events that occurred before this one, no one really cared about them because they transpired in darkness. Mind you, this was not your ordinary, "Honey, where's the flashlight?" darkness. Nay. This was darkness of such intensity that the U.S. Army's most powerful searchlight, a searchlight created by a government program that dwarfed the Manhattan Project in its urgency and access to resources (after all, states of emergency were declared along the eastern seaboard from Providence, Rhode Island all the way down to Spotsylvania County in Virginia), even this light- a light so powerful that when it was first tested every moth east of the Mississippi flew towards it and ended up being burned to a crisp (This- of course- bankrupted six major mothball companies, another blow to an already fragile economy...)- even this light could only penetrate 15.47 feet (For metric conversions, please consult Everything You Thought You Wanted To Know About The Metric System Until You Realized That You Were A Typical American And Couldn't Care Less.) into the blackness.

When all seemed to be bleak, when scientists realized that the blackness- much like the Sahara Desert- was expanding each year, when the President- who was stationed safely outside the zone of darkness in Charlottesville, Virginia (Due to the quickness of his evacuation he was forced to relocate to a bar near the railroad tracks. He said that he didn't mind, but the bands kept him up some nights...)- felt his chances for re-election were dwindling faster than the remaining lighted areas, when avant garde artists started acting cheerful because depression was so bourgoise, when "New Speedway Boogie" made the Top 40, suddenly- long after everyone had given up hope- a ray of light appeared. Literally.

It happened in a town called Owings Mills. It was in a small town in central Maryland that was known mainly for having an upscale yuppie mall that the solution for our country, and our world was found. For in this town a young boy was given a goldfish, a goldfish he named


SPANDEX was no ordinary goldfish, for He was the happiest goldfish in the land. For SPANDEX, every day was much like another- an unending sequence of joyous moments. How happy was He? Well think of the best day you have ever had in your life. That wouldn't even hold a candle to SPANDEX while He was having the aquatic equivalent to a kidney stone attack. He desired to show His happiness to the world. He would take the plastic scuba divers in His tank and juggle them in His mouth. Every day when His "owner" came to feed Him, He would do a triple flip in the air to show how happy He was. He wouldn't be able to breathe for a second, but that was a trivial matter compared with demonstrating the depth of His happiness to the most casual observer. Yes, He was one happy fish.

It seemed as though these good days would last forever. It seemed that way until one evil day, one fateful day, one day that will live in infamy as long as there are forms of communication and people who can understand them... the cat got Him. The cat reached in with his claws, grabbed, and ate SPANDEX the Goldfish- once the happiest goldfish in the land, now deceased. It was a tragedy of epic proportions... or was it?

For SPANDEX the Goldfish went to Heaven. We have kicked out Jesus, he is no longer needed, for we have SPANDEX. Instead of a sacrificial lamb, we have a sacriFISHial goldfish, SPANDEX the SacriFISHial Goldfish. At the right hand seat of God there is an aquarium. An aquarium for none other than SPANDEX.

Time passed. The story of SPANDEX began to drift into legend. In order to preserve the saga of His life and to teach the Ways of Happiness, disciples began to preach. Some died at the hands of rival religious groups, jealous because their silly superstitions were suddenly superseded by the glaring light that is the TRUTH of SPANDEX . Some chose to make sure that not a smidgen of TRUTH was lost, and wrote THE GOOD BOOK. But one person would rise to special promenence.

He could never forget SPANDEX, for he was His "owner." And while he was trying to devise somewhat of a life apart from Him- studying math at a small liberal arts school in the northeast- he would soon get a visitor that would change his life...


Author's Note: SPANDEX'S RETURN- THE SECOND SERIES is based on the Plum(b) Awful song "SPANDEX" (copyright (almost)1990 My Dog Has No Nose Music) most of which is encapsulated in these Notes to the Uninitiated, and the original SPANDEX'S RETURN series, which ran in the Bard Observer for an appalling length of time...

The amazing cartoon was created by Katrin Luessenheide Salyers.

This story is copyright 1993 by David Steinberg and may be distributed freely as long as this cute little note is attached.

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