SPANDEX's Return

(part the nineteenth)

I was playing Ms. Pac-Man. Right after I pushed the 1-player button, I knew something was odd about the machine. Right below the place where she first appears was an area of tiny dots. Once the game started, I headed there out of curiosity. My character, along with all of the monsters, shrunk as I went there. I was then sure that I was playing no ordinary device for amusement purposes only.

Escaping from the mini-dot area, I headed for the upper left power pellet. Some P-P-P-P-PAC POWER would show those malicious and truly evil monsters who was boss. (There IS, however, a school of Pac-Man thought that states that the monsters are not as evil as everyone thinks they are. In this alternative view, the Pac-family are robbers, trying to eat the precious dots that the "monsters" spent years cultivating. But these Pac-people not only eat the ghosts' food, but exploit their one weakness to try to kill them. (This doesn't even mention the moral issue of the second and third cartoons in the orginal game. Making Pinky show both partial and full nudity is both embarassing and a violation of sexual harassment statutes.) While this theory is interesting, I don't know how much creedence I'd give it. For example, the suggested renaming of the game from "Pac-Man" to "Those Poor Monsters That You're Trying to Destroy" strikes me as a tad excessive. But I digress.) However, as I headed to the corner, I found myself above the maze. Ambushed by Sue and unable to get back into the playing field, there was a loss of Ms Pac-Man life.

Getting ready to play my second turn, I discovered that again the board had changed sizes. I had to direct her up huge steps while creatures that looked like the gemeaters from Crystal Castles threw things that were not quite dots. I thought they might be sleeping pills, but when one of them came out of the screen and hit me, I found out they stung.

I awoke. Thank SPANDEX it was only a dream. Throwing my blanket aside, I looked around. I was asleep in the ZZYZXmobile, but where was I? The last thing I remember was my mission. I was supposed to look for the missing link, to find the truth in the debate between evolutionists and creationists. Somewhere along the way I was abducted. I had no idea where I was, but I was going to find out.


This story is copyright 1997 by David Steinberg and may be distributed freely as long as this cute little note is attached.

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