SPANDEX's Return

(part the twenty-third)

I ran to the speakers' platform. I had but two weapons to use. Both came at the recommendation of THE GOOD BOOK. They received the Green Star award for efficiency against Anti-ZZYZX's. Unfortunately I had left the Hole Puncher of Doom in the pocket of my other vest. This left me with only one other plan.

There are certain words that act like loyalty tests. For example, if a demon says the word "God" he will suffer pain worse than the famed 17 tortures of Ariblaster's Tomb. There is but one such Word of Power in the SPANDEXian religion, and I had to hope that the anti-ZZYZX did not know it.

"Hey, anti-ZZYZX," I shouted, "say Quok."




"Thank you," I said, finishing the ritual. Suddenly he realized his mistake. For the Word of Power, when used under the proper ritual, will bring a smile to the face and a spring to the step of all of those who are allied with SPANDEX. Those neutral, will feel anything from apathy to annoyance to the holy Quok Ritual. But those actively opposed to SPANDEX cannot take part in it. It creates an internal contradiction. Most anti-SPANDEXers are educated enough to avoid this trap, but isolated in this universe where SPANDEXian forces were artificially kept low, the anti-ZZYZX did not have the skills to sidestep it. The contradiction, after I said the magic words Reductio Ad Absurdum, caused him to wink out of existence.

Suddenly the scene shift. I was sitting outside my room. A note fell from the sky. Reading it, I learned that I was not kidnapped to that alternative universe after all. SPANDEX sabotaged the ZZYZXmobile intentionally, knowing that the anti-SPANDEX would jump at this opportunity to draw me into his "reality." Both SPANDEX and the antiSPANDEX has signed a pact agreeing to abide by the results of the conflict. The anti-SPANDEX was given the right to choose the time of the battle- hence my abduction at what seemed to be a weak moment. I was distracted by the problem at hand- the debate between evolution and creationism- and the anti-SPANDEX thought I would be too disorientated to remember the Word of Power.

In exchange for ceding the right to choose the time of battle, SPANDEX received the right to grant me an ally- FRESCA. Our meeting was not accidental. SPANDEX personally reincarnated a loyal follower from the 16th century. She volunteered to go through another life (with a very stupid name) in order to help fight the good fight.

The note continued: "If the good is to triumph, must it be that others lose? SPANDEX lives in more than the hearts and minds of His followers. -TOTOA P.S. Look up."

I looked up. I saw an aquarium the size of New Jersey descend upon the area. Inside it, I saw SPANDEX swimming around. The Second Coming was happening. In one of the most impressive miracles ever in the history of holy literature, He remained the size of a goldfish, yet could be seen from anywhere around His watery throne. Moreover, the Sacred Aquarium, although actually centered on the point of power in Annandale, was visible from anywhere in the world. No matter where one was, it appeared as though SPANDEX was right there with you... and who's to say that He wasn't.

Under His beneficial rule, the world experienced true peace and joy like it never had before. It was truly World Without Unhappiness. It was completely undescribable the degree of euphoria that existed at this time. Just let it be said that if you truly seek out SPANDEX, if you call out in the spirit of joy needed to get His attention, then He will answer. No description of this utopia will be needed; you will already understand. GRIF-HO!


This story is copyright 1997 by David Steinberg and may be distributed freely as long as this cute little note is attached.

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