SPANDEX's Return

(part the sixth)

Crusing down the highway, cranking up 3 is a Magic Number, OMAR explained to me where we were going. It was a town called Lusk, Wyoming in the far eastern part of the state. This place was one of the 12 focal points of power on the planet. All of these are owned by some religion. In fact, because 59.17% of the population can feel the power from them, most religious cults (Some people call these cults by such names as "Christianity," "Judiasm," "Islam", etc. The truly enlightened amongst us know that only the CHURCH OF SPANDEX can claim to be a true religion. No other body of dogma can explain as fully man's true role in this hostile universe. As THE GOOD BOOK says, "Happiness, as SPANDEX was happy, can only happen when we are as SPANDEX. This then disgresses into 174 pages of how to be like SPANDEX without going through the hassles of sprouting fins or developing ataste for fish food. This is one of the most crucial and misunderstood sections of THE GOOD BOOK. But I digress...) originally formed at one of these sights. At this important time in history, it was vital that all of them be possessed by SPANDEXians. This one was said to be occupied by a crazed mathematics cult.

When we arrived I discovered that if anything, these reports were understating the case. Littering the town were statues of Gauss, Euler, Godel, and other famous mathematicans. Stereos were blaring the Ode to Andrew Wiles. In the very center of the town there was an altar that had:

                  2       2            2
                a    +  b      =     c

carved on it. "Where's Fermat when you need him?" I muttered under my breath. Sighing I went to deal with the priests.

There was a service in progress. "Why is this series different from all other series?" Before I could find out the answer I was challenged by a rather muscular man.

"I think you are an impostor." He signalled for some of his fellow guards to surround me. There was no escape. "If you really are one of us, prove it. Tell us what you know of the sacred theorems."

Feeling a bit nervous, I went through the proof of the first theorem I could think of. I gave the classic proof of the irrationality of the square root of two. This is an extremely elegant proof using the Proof by Contradiction method. Surely this would show them my good intentions.

The guards looked around, stunned. Finally the guard who first confronted me spoke. "That proof is secret. Off with his head!"

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This story is copyright 1996 by David Steinberg and may be distributed freely as long as this cute little note is attached.