SPANDEX's Return

(part the thirteenth)

When the police escorted me to the altar, I found that I was in a great deal of trouble. My rival priest wore the cat insignia on his tunic. Now for those few who are unaware of SPANDEXian theology, a rough analogy will have to suffice. Cat worshippers (or Catians) are to SPANDEX followers what Satanists were to Christians. Catians think that because a cat killed SPANDEX, cats are superior to Him. What they don't realise, of course, is that is that SPANDEX's death, seen at the time- as the ballad goes- as, "a tragedy of epic proportions," was part of his master plan. Only by dying before the Sin of Unhappiness could touch Him was he able to spread the word of His Happiness- not to mention the happiness available to every single human being upon accepting Him as their personal savior.

Realizing that I was dealing with a worshipper of an incompetent "god," I decided to challenge him. It was my only hope to escape this one alive. "Look," I said. "You think your god is so powerful? Let's put it to a test. See that building over there?" I pointed to a Corn Dog Heaven across the street.

"If your god is so powerful and can cause earthquakes, let's see him knock it down." The priest took my challenge and began praying and ranting and raving. I took this time to chat with my friend who was arrested along with me as a potential accomplice.

After a few hours the priest dude person gave up. "Come on hot shot," he sneered. I wasn't going to be rushed though. I had to win over some souls here. Getting out the ZZYZXbox, I grabbed some steel girders (Make love not steel!), a welder, and a few other tools. In about 27 minutes the building was reinforced. I stopped, smiled, and whistled the Desert Song theme. To the amazement of the priest dude person the building promptly collapsed into a heap of dust. While this part was my idea, SPANDEX showed why He is wiser than any mere human. After a pause of 17 8/43 seconds the dust reformed itself into the shape of a Taco Bell. My friend and I went into it and, seeing how she felt she owed me a meal, treated. GRIFF-HO!

During the meal, person after person came up to me to get information about the saving grace of SPANDEX. When I finally got back to the ZZYZXmobile, I found a note pinned there: "A reward for your work. The Spirit of SPANDEX is upon the lake. TOTOA." The ZZYZXdrive! It works! After checking the map that the SPHINX gave me, I drove east on 66 to Newburgh, Indiana. From there I went to its counterpart to New York and then it was just a hop, skip, and a smurf to Bard. Home again...


but still


This story is copyright 1996 by David Steinberg and may be distributed freely as long as this cute little note is attached.

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